Off a Cliff into the Sky

Last week, I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Either that or I had just jumped off a cliff and was falling rapidly to the ground. Life was out of control. I couldn’t go back. Where I was, no one would come. I didn’t want them to, it was too bad. Only Christ could come, and that was because He knew the way out. But I didn’t look to see. I just curled up into the fetal position and tried to ignore the situation.

And then my dear friend Heather ignored my grouchy demeanor. She could tell I would probably snap at her, but she didn’t really care. Or if she did, it didn’t faze her. The fact that people could still get to me where I was is probably what snapped me out of it. As the realization of where I was at, where I had come to, sunk in, I finally uncurled and looked around. The night was still dark. At 1 in the morning, all I knew was that Heavenly Father loved me enough to keep two worthy young men awake to come and give me a blessing in response to a single phone call. At 3 in the morning, all I knew was that I was lost. There was a path I was supposed to be on, and I couldn’t see it.

Thursday felt like a long, slow climb. I was trying to enjoy the last day a very important friend would be in town. I was trying to understand where I found myself. I wasn’t ahead in classes any more, and my head was almost constantly hurting. I told my supervisor that I didn’t feel well, and probably couldn’t come to work the next day. I also had a test Friday.

My friend who was leaving told me it was a wall, not a pit. He said I just had to find the way around it. I still haven’t, but I’ve found something better. It wasn’t a wall. I was right at first. I was either in a pit or falling off a cliff. For us earth-bound mortals, that is terrifying. But I’m not meant to be earth-bound. The fear carried on, and like any rational being, I wished I could fly. I stretched out wings I didn’t have two days ago, just to find that overnight, they had grown. Weak and new, I could barely glide. Even now, I’m just coasting, but each day makes them stronger. The ground is no longer hurtling toward me; the pit doesn’t seem so deep.

As I learn to fly, there will be harsh cross winds and bad weather. But there will also be amazing views and sweeping sensations. I no longer need to fear heights. I can reach as high as my wings can take me. Heavenly Father has let me fall as low as I was willing to let myself go, and now He has given me wings to return again and beyond. I will follow His instructions and make the most of my angel wings.

My Faith, My Belief, My Testimony

I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't need to justify my beliefs. No one can take my testimony from me.

I don't need to justify church policies. Modesty guidelines, the word of wisdom, the teachings of church leaders. I believe these come from God. My obedience is the way I show my faith and love. I give Him my will, and all glory.

If I believe in a doctrine, and the Spirit of God has witnessed to me that it is true, it is. Church policy won't change the truth. The gospel of Christ is separate from policy that assists men in their mortal weakness. If ever something seems to change, it's because the Church of Jesus must adjust its temporal policy to make up for the frailties of men. It will work in whatever way we need to bring us closer to Christ and into the Church of the Firstborn. The essential church of the gospel, the eternal Church of the Firstborn, never changes. It is eternal. Here, all doctrine is practiced correctly and fully. This is where I am going.

I don't want to get caught up in the policy, in the culture. It distracts from the big picture, from the gospel, from the essential truths of eternity. Now in my life is the time to find out where I am going. The gospel directs me. I follow church policy out of obedience and a desire to do God's will. But where my faith is placed is a much stronger rock. It is the rock of the gospel, the atonement, the gift of Christ, of eternity.

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I have made baptismal covenants. These ask of me to obey God and repent of my sins. I have faith in that covenant and the blessings God has promised me. This faith does not need proof, and sways to no disproof. It is the reason I don't ever need to doubt.

In the past, I have enjoyed hearing scientific explanations for Bible stories. Now I realize I don't need them. Yes, they are interesting, but nothing more. Miracles and the power of God don't need to be justified by science, and many times can't be. That's part of why they are miracles.


Testimony
LDS Hymn 137

The witness of the Holy Ghost,
As borne by those who know,
Has lifted me again to thee,
O Father of my soul.

I know that thou art in thy heav'n.
I know the Savior reigns.
I know a prophet speaks to us
For our eternal gain.

My eyes are wet; my heart is full.
The Spirit speaks today.
O Lord, wilt thou my life renew
And in my bosom stay.

As testimony fills my heart,
It dulls the pain of days.
For one brief moment, heaven's view
Appears before my gaze.

Stretching My Wings

I stand on the brink, the edge of something new. Life is changing again. I feel like I want to sprout wings and fly. No longer will I just quietly fill my role. I will define my role. I am growing, learning, changing. The opportunities I have today may never come again. What I choose to do with them will shape my life.

When else will I be this free? I have no family to look after, no career to support. I have a flexible, student job. Summer classes haven’t started yet. I have transportation around town, and just enough savings to go further once or twice. Life has barely begun for the woman I am becoming. Now is when I can decide what she will do.

I began to realize this a month or two ago. I can push the limits, challenge the boundaries that I have lived in all my life. Many are self-imposed rules, and these are the most flexible. But right now I have very few other rules. So I decided to push.

Several failed attempts ended in finally finding a ride to southern California and back. At the same time, my money ran out, my anticipated hours at work got cut in half, and my scholarship wasn’t for as much as I needed. So I bought a sixty dollar bus ticket for my trip. Then I hired out my services as an apartment cleaner in my complex for check-out week. Four days of scrubbing later, I was significantly better off monetarily. And I was still going on my random trip to California.

During my trip, I began to see more of what I was, and what I could be. I saw also what I would never be, the things I could never have. But that only increased my desire to become the best I could. Empowered, motivated, and inspired I began my journey home. Halfway home, I discovered some things that tried to crush my sense of power. A new fear crept into my heart.

Back at my apartment, my emotions couldn’t decide what to do. One moment I was on top of the world, the next I was almost shaking with confusion and sorrow. Details of the situation will make no difference. The simple description of my state is all that is needed to understand what happened next. I went to visit a friend upon whose wisdom I often rely. As I poured out my heart to her, a new realization of my role began to form.

My growth, my learning, my study, everything that had lifted me up to such a great height the week before, was still there. I am not perfect. Nowhere near it. But I am strong. As a young adult, I have become an individual. Individuals have power and freedom, but they also have responsibility. My responsibility is unexpected and unwanted. But I am ready for it. Without realizing, I was preparing during the last few months, and particularly this past week, for just this challenge.

Satan fights hard. He wants to bring us down. He will attack us in any way he can devise. He will come through our wishes and dreams to offer us what we want. He will come through our family to weaken our most fundamental stronghold. But we can stop him. I can hold him back. And I will. I will stand strong as a witness of Christ, and I will fight Satan. My Heavenly Father has given me power, and I will now use it to hold back the darkness that threatens those I care for. Every child of God here on earth has that power, if only they will accept the responsibility that comes with it. Take up your power, and take up your task. Press forward with faith and stand strong. Don’t let him win.